Why Having a Burnout Saved My Life
Experiencing a burnout is no joke. I can definitely say that it was one of the darkest moments of my life. The worst part is that I didn’t see the signs, or at least I didn’t pay enough attention. The truth is that when you lose perspective in life you lose yourself. Now looking back, I was definitely slowly shutting down.
Six months after the diagnosis, and finally feeling so much better, I am finally ready to talk about it.
Against the odds, why this happened wasn’t the first thing that came to my mind. My priority was to rest and to simply not think about anything. To be completely transparent, I actually couldn’t think of anything. My brain could only process the sufficient to survive. For a person that has been intellectually active since I can remember, it was the most strange and disabling feeling.
At first, it was really hard but then it became natural. My mind and body were severely craving a good rest. For an entire month, I simply existed without thinking about anything.
Whenever I would close my eyes, could feel as if all the data in my brain were being transferred to the empty space surrounding me, leaving my mind completely empty. My brain was clearing all the trash that had been accumulating for the last years.
I feared the question ‘How are you’ for two reasons: first because it was very triggering- I knew that I was not okay but I was doing everything to recover, second because that was something really hard to answer - nothing is black and white and most of the times I was trying to simply be in the moment and not thinking how I was actually because ultimately I didn’t know how I was.
Unconsciously, with time, the answers to questions I wasn’t even asking started to be draft, leading me to surprising conclusions.
Until that moment, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, because I felt I was losing my identity and everything that would make me unique. Conclusion 1: You don’t negotiate who you are with anyone.
After the first month of rest, I started to experience a new feeling: I felt there were no boundaries, that I could go on forever. Conclusion 2: Only you can decide what boundaries surround you.
Another thing that I did was to seek solitude. It felt like heaven. I was too overwhelmed to deal with anyone or anything (sometimes I still am) but it gave me the space to think, reavaluate, zoom out. Sometimes I was so quiet that I could feel time moving, not worried if I was part of it. Conclusion 3: Only in the quiet you can recover.
I didn’t want to go to therapy and that was the best decision, because I believe being forced to speak when you just want to be quiet and in silence, will do the opposite of help. Conclusion 4: No one gets to tell you how you should heal.
Ultimately, having a burnout allowed to travel a path back to myself, both encountering what proudly defines me but also discovering new traits.
I’ve never been a fan of straight and boring paths, but I certainly took a long detour to arrive where I am today.